You’ve really got to feel for them. Biologically, they’re awash with an abundance of growth hormones that generate enormous, confusing, conflicting, and often unintelligible emotions. Add to that the parts of the brain that help us evaluate consequences of our actions and help us make rational decisions are mostly AWOL. Those won’t be very reliable until the later teens and early twenties.
Psychologically and developmentally, there’s a lot going on as well. Today’s five-dollar word is individuation. In plain language that means that the young person is in a process of pulling away, disconnecting, attempting to become more independent, and establishing their own sense of morality. Sounds great, doesn’t it? At least until we get to witness the process in the living room. It may create tension as we wrestle with everything from rules to respect, and even risky behavior.
But, believe it or not, this is a good thing. Individuation is a natural and necessary process as our young people begin to establish themselves in their peer group, and become less dependent on the family group. Although we want them to stay small and adorable forever, if we try to resist the process, we will fail and potentially do a great deal of harm.
Something that can be useful for the parent when rebellion presents itself, is to know that there is a reason for the behavior. I like the way that Tim Sanford, a counselor specializing in youth, explains it, “. It’s important to get to the ‘itch’ (core reason) behind the ‘scratch’ (outward behavior or attitude).” It takes wisdom to know the difference between healthy growth and outright teen rebellion. Sometimes, what we may interpret as rebellious, is actually the “itch” for autonomy.
It can be helpful to (frequently) remind ourselves that much of what we see is part of a natural process which will, naturally, work itself out. Your teen is “moving away” from you as they try to move towards living a healthy adult life. Help the teen to identify the reason behind the troubling behavior. Sometimes it’s useful to shift from the authoritarian parent to something more of an ally as they navigate this confusing stage. Also, it can be helpful to understand that you as a parent are not alone in your struggle. I encourage you to seek out support or counseling you feel would be appropriate for you and your family.
If you’d like to learn more about this process and how you can help your young person thrive and survive, let me recommend Mr. Sanford’s book, “Losing Control, And Liking It”. Raising teens isn’t for the feint of heart. But have courage. I know you can do it.
